On Codependency
My friend Carmen asked me to help her with a question she was having. Here is her question: I'm wondering about how to grow in not being so codependent, especially with work. I seem to keep repeating a pattern in life where I end up taking a lot of responsibility, working extremely hard, getting to be a bit work obsessed (it's all I can think about, constantly checking my email, etc), feeling depended upon and trapped and then wanting to quit. I'd love to break this cycle and find more psychic space in my life to be in more healthy balance with work, friends, spirituality and play.
Codependency is so common that I have come to see it as a cultural issue rather than just a personal one for people. For so many of us, our identities are formed around giving ourselves away to others and in return we receive the security of being needed. On the one side, it is lovely to give of ourselves. My friend Carmen is a therapist and a loving friend, sister, wife, and daughter. She is incredibly wise and offers this wisdom freely and easily to anyone for whom she cares deeply. She is also self-aware, as you can see by her question, and recognizes the codependent cycle she is in. I will do my best to answer her question here.
Codependency is so tricky. I see it as any addiction…as a way of disconnecting from self. So…the response would be to create, encourage, practice connection to self. This is harder than it sounds. If the codependent is disconnecting from self by focusing on others, there is usually a good reason. As any addict, it is a way to avoid pain and suffering. As we begin to connect to self, we inevitably run into our "stuff." It's not easy to face what we have been avoiding so adeptly. This is where my answer becomes a spiritual one. The healing of codependency (or any addiction really) is not just changing behaviors. It is healing our deepest wounds to discover self-love and compassion. It is a path of forgiveness and holding. It is finding deep joy within and caring for that joy as you would a newborn baby. A new identity forms around this joy. The new identity may even become "healer", or one who shares the light within. Because this light, this joy, this love is infinite, we are no longer drained, we have healthy boundaries, we hold the secret of self-love with others so that they may come into connection themselves. We no longer see others as imperfect or having problems to solve, but as light beings themselves, sitting in their own perfection, on their path. This is a deep and sacred healing. One that not only changes the life of the one transforming but has a ripple effect that is immeasurable.
