Struggle, silence, self-inquiry, surrender and stillness.

When a struggle appears in my life, it comes through the body. It might feel like a constriction in my heart or unease in the belly. In my old way of being, the mind would immediately take over to attempt to understand the sensation. It would create a story to analyze, turning it over again and again, wrestling with it and working hard to resolve it. I would talk about it to anyone who would listen but often wouldn’t hear their feedback or wisdom. I think my mind liked having problems to solve.

Now when I feel that sensation in my body that signals I’m not at peace, that I’m feeling disconnected or off, I stay with the sensation itself. I don’t create or follow a story in the mind, but try to simply hold the sensation in a state of silent spaciousness. I bring my attunement and an open mind and heart to see what this feeling might be telling me or even might need from me. Sometimes I find out right away. Like maybe I wasn’t in integrity in a certain moment. Or I felt hurt and didn’t want to acknowledge it. Or maybe I hurt someone and didn’t take ownership of it. It could be anything really.

If I receive information in the silence that feels right, I spend time in self-inquiry. What do I know about this already? What wound got triggered? This inquiry is not about creating a story or finding resolution. In fact, it’s simply an investigation into truth. And with this investigation comes a sense of surrender. I don’t need to effort to get on top of the sensation, to fix it or resolve it. In the surrender and stillness, I allow the sensation and any of it’s truth-related thoughts to move on their own, in and through the body.

This is such a different experience than how I worked with struggles in the past. To not seek resolution is revolutionary for me. That desperate efforting to get rid of uncomfortable sensations never really worked for me. I’ve learned to create a space of patience and reverence for my fear, my uncomfortable feelings, my shame. I let them breathe. This takes practice. I’m still unraveling the mind’s addiction to problem-solving. For now, it will have to make do with Wordle and Spelling Bee. ;)